Tending Our Friendships
I was touched last night to have my son ask if I wanted to watch a couple more episodes of Boston Legal with him. Hey, it was 10:30pm; what else could be better? Plus, love spending time with the boy. We laughed and discussed the political issues of the time of the show. Then there was a cool seen during Season 4, Episode 20 when my son said, “That was a great metaphor.” As you know, I live by metaphor. Having my son recognize a quality metaphor – PRICELESS!
Here’s the scene: Alan Shore said to Jerry Espenson, “I feel as if I haven’t seen much of you over the past year.” Jerry replied, “Well, you’ve been really busy, Alan. So have I. With work. Work has…Hey! That’s the beauty of being friends, isn’t it? Relationships with long shelf lives. You can just stick them on the shelf. I tell you! Alan rebutted, “What?” Then Alan continued, “I have never ever considered myself someone who puts work before friendships. Seems I do.” Jerry then gave us the metaphor saying, “We all do, Alan. Friendships are a little like back yard gardens. We plan to tend to them. We just always seem to put it off till next week.” Friendships are the cornerstones of our lives. Our garden of friends requires careful tending.
We also need to recognize that people change and grow at very different speeds and different ways. Metaphorically, we need to plant, cultivate, prune, water, and fertilize our friendships. To have a relationship, you must plan, cultivate, and tend to it. Relationships left unattended eventually die.
We need to be grateful for our friends and the people who make us happy. For all the faults in the character of Alan Shore in the show, we do see him always trying to be a good friend. He offers advice, checks in on them, maybe shows up in court just to watch and show support, always seeks to reconcile a squabble with a friend quickly, and always goes and apologizes when he says something to a friend that offended him or her. One of the ongoing plots of the show is about friendships and romances of the characters. I blogged about this in Are We Best Friends?
Let’s not forget to tend to our gardens of friendship as we move into a new decade. In fact, I think I’ll make my New Year’s Resolution be: to appreciate my friends every day and catch more fish.
Is It Fun Being You?
I didn’t really set out to do a blog series on thoughts following Boston Legal episodes, but it seems I am doing that because this will be my third such post. I’m telling you, those end of episode scenes of Denny Crane and Alan Shore sitting on the balcony discussing their lives, politics, cases, and their day are riveting and very thought provoking. My other two posts are: Are We Best Friends?; and Do You Have An Inexhaustible Ability To Just Live? The scene I am blogging about here was at the end of Episode 7 in Season 2.
Denny Crane says, “It’s fun being me. Is it fun being you?” Alan replies, “Most of the time actually.” To this, Denny reacts, “Then what else is there?” With a nod, Alan says, “Indeed.” I had never really contemplated the question of whether it was fun to be me before. My answer is, yes!And, indeed, there really isn’t anything else.
“Be who you are and say what you feel BECAUSE those who mind don’t matter and those who matter DON’T MIND!” ~ Dr. Seuss
It really comes down to being who you are. I came across the cool sweatshirt pictured below with the saying Such Fun Being Me on it. The Miranda Shop is selling the sweatshirts and I love their description of the sweatshirt: “This is one of my most loved of the new products. It gives me no greater pleasure than to think that people are able to become more and more happy and free in their own skin, loving and accepting themselves to freely be who they are.” That pretty much says it all, don’t you think?
I guess it is all about having purpose and passion in how we are living our life. And, I think those of us who can honestly answer that it is fun being us, would say we still approach life much like a child. So, what does that mean?
To truly be happy, I believe we must get in touch with our inner child. Children are always happy in the moment. They are their true natures; they’ve not been taught they have to fit in (socialized) yet. Watch a child and you will see how free they are and how little they care what other people think of them. Children are pure love and light. Unfortunately, we play roles to fit into our society and then we end up suppressing our true nature out of fear of what others think. Remember, when you find yourself feeling judged, this is the socialized you, not the real you. Maybe that’s why it’s fun to be me; I can still run a toy tractor across the floor making the best tractor sounds ever!
Become freer; play, have fun, and enjoy the moment. It’s fun being me. Is it fun being you?
Are We Best Friends?
Do any of you remember the show Boston Legal? It was one of my favorites. The comedy-drama ran for five seasons from 2004-2008. The show focuses on the personal lives of the upscale lawyers and their cases of the law firm Crane, Poole, and Schmidt. Recently, when our cable was out and we could get no channels, my son and I were on the phone and he said, “Dad you know we have a SMART TV so you can watch episodes of some of your old time shows.” I have to admit that I didn’t know that. Then he explained how to get to the shows and that this is what leads to people doing what is called “bingeing.” I also have to admit, I did it – binge watched Boston Legal. It was great and there were so many things said in the show that made me think. So, of course I had to blog about it!
At the end of each episode there is always Denny Crane (William Shatner) and Alan Shore (James Spader) sitting on the balcony in cool white chairs, which are called Bubble Club Chairs – that you can buy, by the way, drinking bourbon and smoking cigars. The talk is funny, but very deep and meaningful. In Season 2, Episode 8 Denny says to Alan, “What I give to you, I do with no one else (speaking of their time on the balcony each night and ultimately about their friendship). I like to think that what you give to me you do with nobody else. Now that may sound silly to you. But, here’s what I think is silly, the idea that jealousy or fidelity is reserved for romance.” Alan replied, “…But gosh what I get from you Denny. People walk around today calling everyone their best friend. The term doesn’t have any real meaning anymore. Mere acquaintances are lavished with hugs and kisses upon a second or at most third meeting, birthday cards get passed around offices so everybody can scribble a snippet of sentimentality for a colleague they barely met, and everyone just loves everyone. As a result when you tell somebody you love them today, it isn’t much heard. I love you Denny, you are my best friend. I can’t imagine going through life without you as my best friend. I’m not going to kiss you however.” Like I said, some funniness to it, but also very deep.
What does it mean to be a friend, a best friend, or to love, I mean really love, someone today? Do those terms, as Alan Shore lamented, really have any meaning any more? I’m not sure they do. In fact the balcony seen at the end of this episode has caused me to really reflect on my own definitions of love and friends. I’ll bet you were recently passed a card and asked to sign it and you may have thought to yourself, “I really don’t know this person.” I’m not saying that giving birthday cards is bad, but have we become a society of trivializing friendship and love?
So, I ask the question that Alan asked; does the term “best friend” have any real meaning any more? I believe to be a best friend is a privilege not to be bestowed on everyone. Showing another human being that you care about them and that their happiness and presence in your life is important to you on a regular basis is, though it may seem obvious, is a fairly big commitment in practice.
Remember how much easier it was to have a best friend in high school or college? You were with them every day. I find it difficult to be a good friend. Life seems to have a way of inserting itself and does a pretty good job of prying us apart. I think of all the times I’ve said, “We’re going to get together.” But, then never do. I’m a little, actually a lot, envious of Denny and Alan being able to sit on the balcony every evening at the end of the work day and philosophize. The lesson that can be learned from studying the characters of Denny and Alan is that being a best friend involves compromise, trust, and a mutual growth that allows certain friends to last through the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Really, friendship is a peculiar type of love. There is no real binding commitment to the opposite person other than what you are willing to put into the relationship. I really do think the term “friend” doesn’t have as much real meaning anymore. How many times have you had someone start a conversation with, “As a friend, you need to know…”? Many times there is not the friendship to be making the observation. That’s why, as the person on the receiving end, it upsets us. Again, we learn from Denny and Alan that a true “best friendship” allows us to:
- Love you for you
- Listen to understand
- Be accepting
- Be genuine
- Appreciate the humor
Do you know and appreciate the value of your best friend?
Byron's Babbles 
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