Forgiveness Is Not Earned
Well, here we are, the 52nd week of the year and the final reflective post from the great book, Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways To Be A Servant Leader and Build Trust, Making Common Sense Common Practice, by Ken Blanchard and Randy Conley. I love books that are broken into 52 lessons like this one. Every year I pick a book like this one where I can read a weekly passage, reflect, and then dedicate writing a blog post each week. If your looking for a great book to inspire you in 2023, this could be that one. Simple Truth #52 was “Forgiveness Is Letting Go Of All Hope For A Better Past. We need to practice forgiveness because, as Collins said, “You can’t revise history to make it better” (p. 133). When we forgive we are doing an action of faith.
Gandhi taught us that forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. We must remember that forgiveness is a gift and gifts are not earned, they are given. Collins told us, “Forgiveness can’t be earned by the offender; it can only be given by the offended” (p. 133). The most courageous act of leadership is to forgo the temptation to take revenge on those on the other side of an issue or who have wronged us in some way. Bottom-line is that those we serve are human. The thing about us humans is that we all have personal issues, frailties and struggles, we inevitably do lots of things that make others unhappy. So, let’s put empathy into action and show compassion and forgive.
Delete The Screenshot
This will be my 51st post about the book Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways To Be A Servant Leader and Build Trust, Making Common Sense Common Practice, by Ken Blanchard and Randy Conley. I committed to reading one simple truth each week during 2022 and writing a reflective post. With this one I’ve got 51 down and one to go. This week’s Simple Truth #51 is “Choosing Not To Forgive Someone Is Like Taking Poison And Waiting For The Other Person To Die.” Everyone knows how I love metaphors. My metaphor for refusing to forgive others is like taking a screenshot of the time of the offense and then making it your lock screen wallpaper, so every time your phone or computer screen lights up, you see it.
Why does that screenshot matter? You end up playing that offense over and over and over. Conley told us that, “Leaders need to have tough skin and soft hearts” (p. 131). This is so true! This simple truth also taught us we are limited in our ability to lead authentically when we choose not to forgive. We need to choose to forgive completely, delete the screenshot, and move on to what we are called to do.
The Apology Bridge
Apologies are about accountability. Because relationships are the key to everything it is important to, “Choose the relationship over being right” (p. 129). Randy Conley told us it is about playing the long game. He said, “All relationships have conflict. Use wisdom to discern when it’s better to apologize, even if your in the right, for the sake of preserving the long-term health of the relationship” (p. 129). All these thoughts were in Simple Truth #50, “Apologizing Is Not Necessarily An Admission Of Guilt, But It Is An Admission Of Responsibility” in the great book Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways To Be A Servant Leader and Build Trust, Making Common Sense Common Practice, Ken Blanchardand Randy Conley.
As I stated at the beginning, apologies are all about being accountable, apologies meet the moment, and apologies can transform our relationships. Apologies are an opportunity for us to take clear and direct responsibility for our wrongdoing without evading, blaming, making excuses, or dredging up offenses from the past. Psychologist Harriet Lerner advised that most apologies completely miss the mark. Lerner said, “When the apology is absent or it’s a bad apology, it puts a crack in the very foundation of a relationship and can even end it.” Let’s let apologies be a bridge of communication and accountability for our relationships.
An Apology Is Ownership
An apology is ownership. When reflecting on the people I respect most, they are the ones that have no trouble saying “I was wrong,” or “I’m sorry I…” When we apologize, we are putting honesty and honor above personal comfort or self-protection. It requires a great deal of courage. Since everyone makes mistakes, it gives us legitimacy to admit to and own our mistakes. Great leaders model the behavior of admitting mistakes. It can, and does, build a community of trust.
Apologizing when trust has been broken is particularly important. This was the topic in Simple Truth #49, “A Successful Apology Is Essential In Rebuilding Trust” in the great book Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways To Be A Servant Leader and Build Trust, Making Common Sense Common Practice, Ken Blanchardand Randy Conley. We were told by Conley that, “Delivering a successful apology is essential to rebuilding trust that’s been eroded” (p. 127). Additionally, I appreciated Randy Conley’s reminder that we must make a commitment to not repeating the behavior. He said, “An apology is only as effective as your attempt not to repeat the actions that eroded the trust in the first place” (p. 127). This is about follow through. If we don’t attempt to change the behavior people question not only our courage, but also our trustworthiness.
Trust Is Not A Place
Here we are in week 48 of 2022 and I am reading Simple Truth #48, “Building Trust Is A Journey, Not A Destination” in the great book Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways To Be A Servant Leader and Build Trust, Making Common Sense Common Practice, Ken Blanchard and Randy Conley this morning. Trust being viewed as a journey and not a destination is in line with what I wrote in Trust Is A Verb. In that post I quoted Michael Fullan, who argued that “trust is a verb before it becomes a state.” In that post I discussed that trust becomes part of the community culture in real time. Furthermore, trust is an action. When a leader is an active participant and becomes part of the group, accountability becomes a shared norm instead of something imposed from above. Randy Conley told us, “The truth is that building and keeping trust is a journey, an ongoing process of demonstrating trustworthiness.” Again, trust happens in real time.
Just like with any journey, wrong turns can be taken and trust lost. If we have done something to lose others’ trust, Conley advises to acknowledge, apologize, and act. We are reminded that “…it may take some time to fully restore trust in a relationship – but it can be done.” He went on, “Remember, building trust is a lifelong journey. There is no final destination.” In any team or organization trust is critical. In this ever more transparent world we need to be embracing the journey using our ability, integrity and benevolence to build trust.
Don’t Lead With Handcuffs
Having been involved with organizations in the past who’s “rumor mills” were the most efficient thing they had going, this week’s Simple Truth #47, “People Without Accurate Information Cannot Act Responsibly, But People With Accurate Information Are Compelled To Act Responsibly” in the great book Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways To Be A Servant Leader and Build Trust, Making Common Sense Common Practice, Ken Blanchard and Randy Conley really resonated with me. The so called leader kept everyone in a state of wondering. Then, there always seemed to be the “chosen one” of the month who was just dying to make sure that everyone knew that they knew what was going on, and around and around we go. Thus, the rumor mill is formed.
It comes down to a lack of self confidence, being on a power trip, and as Randy Conley taught us; trust. As Conley said, “When people don’t have accurate information, it’s as if their leader is handcuffing them from being their best” (p. 121). I get the argument that sometimes there is information that cannot be shared, but there still needs to be clarity. Literally tell those you serve what you can’t share and why. Bottom-line is if you are not communicating and providing information, the rest of us will make it up.
Organizations with a high trust are where collaboration and transparency are at their best. That lack of self confidence and sense of power I mentioned earlier causes some to do what is called “knowledge hiding.” There has been research done that argues some feel they gain status and power by knowing unique information that know one else knows. I kind of chuckled to myself as I read the research. The metaphor of a Queen on her thrown throwing out little breadcrumbs at her weekly meeting – just enough to make you want more. Again, not the organization you want to be a part of. How about you? Are you hiding knowledge?
All Living Organisms Grow And Change
One of the areas we spend a lot of time on in my leadership development work is change management. I always tell those I am working with that if you are making changes and then say that you need to get buy-in you have already failed. Buy-in must happen organically by having everyone affected by the change being involved in planning and executing the change. I am actually leading a change initiative for a client right now, and one of the things I have been adamant about is that everyone affected by the change be part of the planning and execution. While it may not always be practical to have everyone affected involved, in this case it is. Interestingly, after our most recent work session, one of the team members stopped me afterwards and said, “This is so exciting. We need to make these changes and put this new process in place. I will be able to do my job better because of this.” The individual telling me this was going to be greatly impacted by the changes, but because she is part of the team designing and implementing the change she is excited about it.
The comment by the team member in the previous paragraph affirmed Randy Conley’s statement, “One of the great myths about change is that people automatically resist it” (p. 119). Conley wrote this in Simple Truth #46, “People Don’t Resist Change, They Resist Being Controlled” in the great book Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways To Be A Servant Leader and Build Trust, Making Common Sense Common Practice, Ken Blanchard and Randy Conley. What we all resist is being told about a change after others have planned it all out and made decisions that will affect us personally. We always want to know how the change will affect us on a personal level. This is where feeling controlled comes into play.
Changes must happen. As Conley said, “Organizations are living organisms, and all living beings grow and change” (p. 119). Just like plants need numerous nutrients to grow and change, the people in an organization should all be a part of providing the input, ideas, and opinions that serve as the nutrients for organizational change.
A Culture Of Uncertainty
Randy Conley told us that “Control is the opposite of trust” in Simple Truth #45, “The Opposite Of Trust Is Not Distrust – It’s Control” in Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways To Be A Servant Leader and Build Trust, Making Common Sense Common Practice, Ken Blanchard and Randy Conley. This simple truth really resonated with me. I have experienced leaders who are control freaks and keep those they serve in the dark. I always have considered this a lack of self-esteem thing and desire to make sure all credit was able to be attributed to them. All this really serves to do is cause distrust and cause team members to shut down. This then brings about great uncertainty for everyone involved.
The control freak leader I described above is the most frustrating, smothering and energy sapping leader to work for. But, leading is not about controlling; it is about guiding, coaching and empowering others to reach a destination. Great leaders know how to manage systems, not control people. This goes back to making sure we have developed the technical skills necessary for those we serve to successfully carry out the mission of the organization. Trust is a verb, not a noun.
What Happens When You Are Gone?
Intent-based leadership relies on all team members being able to recognize what needs to be done and having the technical expertise to be able to do it. In my work with leadership development I have found that one of the toughest things for many up and coming leaders is stepping back and letting others take the lead or complete a task on their own. The best leaders do not focus on ensuring compliance with outside decisions. Instead, great leaders facilitate the team’s decisions about how they will carry out their shared purpose–mission, vision, values, and goals. In the case of education, when teachers are both responsible and accountable for making the decisions influencing school success, they also own the outcomes. Teacher teams do not have a problem with being accountable for results when they have the autonomy and authority to determine how best to achieve them. They take pride in what works well and refine what doesn’t.
In Simple Truth #44, “The Most Important Part Of Leadership Is What Happens When You’re Not There” in Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways To Be A Servant Leader and Build Trust, Making Common Sense Common Practice, Ken Blanchard and Randy Conley, we were reminded that, “Servant leaders develop and empower their people so that they will perform just as well, if not better, on their own as they do when the leader is present” (p. 115). The key here is to have those we serve developed in the technical and leadership skills necessary to make decisions from wherever they are. If we position everyone to lead from where they presently are, we have decisions being made where the data is created.
Listen More
This past week at the National FFA Convention here in Indianapolis, Indiana I had the opportunity to do teacher workshops with our National FFA Teacher Ambassadors. One of my roles is to help our ambassadors be the best presenters possible. After each workshop I did a reflection so that during next year’s ambassador trainings I can point out positive practices that really work during workshops. One such practice was done by Lindsey Lasater of Silex, Missouri. She is incredible at leading workshops. When leading discussions with workshop participants, Lindsey would write down each participants’ comments word for word on tear sheets. I used to do this in my classroom when teaching and now also use it when facilitating. I love this strategy. One, it helps the teacher/facilitator listen better, and two, it shows the student/participant that what they have to say is valued. And, a third plus is that it helps the other participants know what was added to the conversation.
In Simple Truth #43, “Since We Were Given Two Ears And One Mouth, We Should Listen More Than We Speak” in Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways To Be A Servant Leader and Build Trust, Making Common Sense Common Practice, Ken Blanchard and Randy Conley we are reminded that good listeners are interested in what you are thinking and feeling. Some great ideas were being shared last week during Lindsey’s workshop and she honored and captured those thoughts by actively listening and writing them down. We are a good listener if we are focusing on the other person. Bad listeners focus on themselves. If we get the listening right, those we serve will share their best thoughts and ideas with us.
Byron's Babbles 
leave a comment