The Best Advice
I am so blessed to still be getting inspiration from Paul Stanley. Yesterday he tweeted “Any advice that starts with ‘If I were you’ should be disregarded” in response to the question “What’s the best advice you can give anyone?” asked by Eric Alper. I’ve always hated the “If I were you” advice starter. If someone giving advice starts a sentence with “If I were you…” the result is often the other person shutting down. Think about it, that person isn’t you, right?
A Psychology Today study explained there are four different types of advice; they are advice for, advice against, information, and decision support. The study found that information advice was the most effective. Information advice provides additional knowledge that the advice seeker may not know, that can shed light on other options for the present, and later down the line.
Before even giving advice I believe in taking a position of humble inquiry. Sometimes when someone is seeking advice I like to take a position of inquiry. This allows understanding the context, nuances, and entire situation. This position of inquiry also allows for empathy. Giving advice to someone is an emotional, intimate thing. I try to live by the quote of an unknown person that says, “To argue with someone else’s experience of reality is futile. To add their experience to your own is possibly useful.” The best advice I’ve gotten over the years has felt selfless from the other person.
Opening The Door To All Possibilities
Yesterday in a discussion I was a part of an individual said that we might just need to use the “get a foot in the door” technique. This immediately felt very coercive to me. It was a good discussion and now we had someone wanting to already take a step toward her own ultimate goal. In fact the group was leaning away from some of her ideas. Because this was a policy discussion, suggestion or use of this approach would be a very binary and old industrial model way of doing things. The context here was very different than someone wanting to get a foot in the door so someone, for example, could become familiar with the good work you do. The foot in the door technique referred to in the meeting was a compliance tactic that assumes agreeing to a small change increases the likelihood of agreeing to a second, larger change later.
This has actually been studied extensively. Initially you make a small request and once the person agrees to this they find it more difficult to refuse a bigger one (Freedman & Fraser, 1966). Why does it work so well? Because we like consistency and we like to be consistent. So, for the technique to work, all we have to do is have the second, larger request, be consistent with or similar in nature to the original small request. Do that and the technique will work (Petrova et al., 2007).
This theory was tested in 1980 in my own state of Indiana. Residents were called by Sherman (1980) and asked if, hypothetically, they would volunteer to spend 3 hours collecting for the American Cancer Society. Then, the same group of people were called by a different person three days later and actually asked for help – 31% agreed to help. Of the group that did not get the hypothetical ask, only 4% volunteered to help.
This feels very disingenuous to me. I can think back, even recently, to where this has been done to me in some form or another. This is another form of getting to “buy in.” Which as I always say if you have to go get “buy in” you’ve already failed. Why not do the work of including stakeholders from all vantage points with all different diverging and converging views to start with. Only when everyone has been heard and had a part in the crafting of ideas, can the door be open fully.
References
Freedman, J. L., & Fraser, S. C. (1966). Compliance without pressure: the foot-in-the-door technique. Journal of personality and social psychology, 4(2), 195.
Petrova, P. K., Cialdini, R. B., & Sills, S. J. (2007). Consistency-based compliance across cultures. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 43(1), 104-111.
Sherman, S. J. (1980). On the self-erasing nature of errors of prediction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 39(2), 211-221.
Keep Pitching!
I’ve been in southwest Florida doing some professional development for teachers this week, so it’s appropriate that I am watching the Tampa Bay Rays hosting the Washington Nationals to unwind this evening. I love watching baseball and all the details of the game. Just now, in the third inning, I was reminded how important it is to stay focused and keep battling even when things aren’t going exactly as planned.
Shane McClanahan is pitching for the Rays in the third inning and just gave up a home run to Ryan Zimmerman for the Nationals. He then ended up with runners on second and third with two outs in that same inning. I thought to myself, “just keep pitching!” He did and struck out the next man up to get the third out and strand the runners. It is so tough to pitch out of a situation like that. It takes concentration and the ability to just keep pitching and finding command of location.
No matter what the rest of us do for a living, we must, at times, pitch ourselves out of a situation. In other words, keep pitching! Pitchers rely on their teammates, thinking through the fundamentals and the mechanics to keep them maximizing performance. We all can learn from this. Again, lets keep pitching!
Human Intuition
Sabrina Horn told us that “Intuition is knowledge, and knowledge is intuition” in her great book Make It, Don’t Fake It: Leading With Authenticity For Real Business Success. I’m so fortunate to be reading an advance copy right now. Sabrina posited that intuition is not a sixth sense, but “…knowledge, mental notes, and past slivers of experience that we have accumulated over time.” She went on to tell us that the “gut feel” we get gets stronger the older we get and the more experience we accumulate. This experience accumulates in the form of knowledge. The more knowledge from experience we have, the more data for our “gut” to pull from.
This made me think of the character from the television show, NCIS, Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs played by Mark Harmon. His “gut” is never wrong and he and his team always follow it at all costs. It is always right, no matter how ridiculous or improbable it may seem. ALWAYS RIGHT. Why? Because of all the knowledge accumulated from all the experience. Gibbs will even ask his team, “What’s your gut telling you?” It’s important that we channel our knowledge and reflect in ways that allow knowledge to be recalled as intuition.
On the job training is another way Sabrina Horn said she gained knowledge and intuition. I’ve always been a huge believer in imbedding learning in real work. These job imbedded experiences speed knowledge acquisition and retention because of the relevant context. This is why we need more work-based experiences, apprenticeships, and internships for high school students. This also why I always say school work should look like real work. Therefore, the more real time, real world experiences we can get, the more “Intuition is knowledge, and knowledge is intuition.”
Becoming
This morning I read Chapter 41, “Constantly Becoming” in Mindset Mondays with DTK by David Taylor-Klaus (DTK). He taught us that becoming is a fulfilling journey that includes all the ways we expand along the way. There will always be new ways to expand, learn, and grow. I always use the metaphor of being a portrait that will never be finished. If I truly believe what Carol S. Dweck told us that, “Becoming is better than being” then that portrait won’t ever be finished, even on the day I die. Being or becoming depicts different outlooks on our worldview. Some people seek change and can’t wait to transform. Others often ask why they have to change.
Becoming is open and unlimited; being is structured and limiting. Just as the artist paints a portrait, we can look at our lives. Learning to live artfully has us see our lives as a process open to inquiry and learning, thus becoming. DTK reminded us that becoming takes courage. Using my portrait metaphor, I would say we don’t always know what the next brush strokes will be. But, that’s alright. The artist is always looking forward. The only way to assess if something was right is to look backward. Let’s not do that. Let’s keep becoming and make those brush strokes into another beautiful part of our life’s portrait of opportunities for exploration and growth.
Learning At The Intersection
This morning as a I was going through my notes of ideas for blog posts, another I made while reading Leadership Unchained: Defy Conventional Wisdom For Breakthrough Performance by Sara Canaday jumped out at me. I already blogged once from inspiration gained from this great book in Unconventionality, but the comment she made saying, “Innovation happens at the intersection of different perspectives” made me reflect on one of my own core values of learning forward from different perspectives. Innovative ideas are not just about adding another feature or an
adjacent market. If we want to keep breaking new ground we must make it a priority to seek out the intersection of multiple fields, disciplines, and cultures. This is a place, Sara argued, we can create in our organizations, teams, and mind. All those different perspectives are far more potent than any incremental extension of what you are already working on using a single perspective. This kind of thinking will lead us to someplace completely different.
“You must go where these very changes are occurring – at all the intersections of industries, cultures, fields and disciplines.”
~Frans Johansson
I love spending time with folks in other disciplines. Most of my reading is outside of the field I do most of my work in of education. I love intersectional learning. I want to learn about things I know nothing about and work with people in fields outside of my own and that will, in turn, stretch my learning and give me new ideas. At these intersections I am outside my comfort zone – or maybe I’m in a zone where I just love to learn. I believe we must surround ourselves with diverse cultures, upbringing, backgrounds, and abilities. Someone recently called me a multipotentialite. When I looked it up, because I had no idea what that was (see, I was learning something new), I saw things like “strong artistic curiosity” and “interest spanning multiple fields.” Guilty as charged! But, I really believe this wide interest and curiosity brings value to those I serve. I love it when I am in a planning meeting with a client and they say things like, “Byron, what are things you’ve seen out there that might apply to this, or might make this better?” Solving today’s complex and wicked issues needs a community of diverse thinkers. In a world where more specialization seems to be the conventional trend, I’m glad Sara Canaday reminded us that we need to defy that conventional wisdom and form communities of diverse thinkers.
Are You Where You Are?
Okay, you caught me. I was watching M*A*S*H again last evening. I just can’t help myself and there are always so many things to think about. Last night I was inspired by a quote I heard Colonel Sherman Potter, played by Harry Morgan, say, “If you ain’t where you are, you’re no place.” This spoke to me, so I wrote it down. His quotes in M*A*S*H are awesome and always cause some deep thought. This quote is really the best definition of being present there is. Let’s read it again, “If you ain’t where you are, you’re no place.” The scene was set on Christmas with others making themselves miserable because they wanted to be somewhere else. Think about a time when you were at a gathering, professional growth opportunity, class, family event, in a conversation with someone, or even speaking to a group or presenting and your mind was somewhere else. What we end up doing is passing through that moment on the way to somewhere else and, in doing so, we miss the moment. During those moments, our time is spent in the past, the future, or wishing to be somewhere else rather than the present moment.
We need to lean into who we are and be fully present where we are. Being fully present is becoming engaged in whatever we are doing at the moment and soaking in all the sensations that go with it. Being a present person does not mean that we never think ahead and that we always live in the moment. Becoming present means that when we have carved out time for something or an opportunity for an experience develops, we are all there. We soak it in. It becomes intentional. The act of being fully present makes a difference not only to yourself, but also to the people you serve, love, and spend time with. The experiences become richer, more meaningful, and more enjoyable because you are there and engaged instead of being no place. Are you where you are?
Unconventionality
I finished a great book this week by the great author and leader, Sara Canaday. The book was Leadership Unchained: Defy Conventional Wisdom For Breakthrough Performance. Anyone who knows me, would know that I’m going to read anything that’s about defying being “conventional.” I had the chance to meet Sara last year. She is such a unique and gifted leader. It is immediately evident when meeting her and reading her work that she “walks the talk.” I was reminded when reading Leadership Unchained that defying conventionality requires allowing for creativity, flexibility, and risk taking. Leadership free of conventionality is the key to creating the unconventional cultures needed today to attract and retain top talent, have engaged and motivated team members, be innovative, and have a notable competitive advantage.
In all this, Sara emphasized that while it is important to not just do things the way we always have, it is imperative we stay true to five timeless qualities:
- Always being present
- Demonstrate grace and humility
- Development of employees
- Integrity
- Contributing on a higher level
One story Sara told in the book that really got me thinking was about the “black belt.” She taught us that being a black belt wasn’t about being an expert, because many times being an expert hinders new learning. The black belt wasn’t a pinnacle, but was about continuing to advance and learn. I’ve never liked or been comfortable with the term expert. It’s too final. When someone says, “Let’s hear from the experts,” it is probably not going to include much curiosity or openness to divergent thinking. In expert mode we are thinking about “what is” instead of “what if.”
Sara used the fact that we tend to think of those with black belts in karate or other disciplines as masters of their craft who have learned everything there is to know about it – a so called expert. But, that’s not true. A person who has achieved the black belt does represent great experience and learning, but according to the World Martial Arts Center, those earning the black belt “seek[s] new, more profound knowledge of the Art.” Just like the greatest leaders are constantly learning, growing, and evolving. I like to think of myself as being in a perpetual learning mode. Actually, I’m kind of weird in that I can learn from the most unlikely of things – a television show, fiction novels, a gummy bear, a song, a Manatee, or even a Platypus. If you don’t belief this, search through my blog.
There is much more that can be learned about all the different “belts” that started out as just white and black when Master Jigoro Kano first introduced the system in 1883. I learned from digging a little deeper that the black color symbolizes the darkness beyond the sun, and a person who has been awarded a black belt seeks to gain a deeper and further understanding. I am committed to continually seeking deeper and further understanding. How about you?
Fantasy Experienced As Reality
Fear is one of the most basic emotions and can be healthy when warranted. Different people have different fears – because they think different thoughts. Fear can hold us back and prevent us from moving forward. We must learn how to control our fear instead of letting our fear control us. Fear was the topic again this week in Chapter 40, “The Other Side Of Fear” in Mindset Mondays with DTK by David Taylor-Klaus (DTK). DTK starts out by asking, “What is the cost of letting fear stand in your way?” He also taught us that outside of something that would cause us mortal danger, being afraid just tells us what we are afraid of is something we care about.
“Fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in your mind.”
Dale Carnegie
I loved the FEAR acronym DTK used in this chapter – Fantasy Experienced As Reality. He told us that our brains don’t know the difference between perceived reality and what is happening in real time in the real world. In fact he wrote of brain research where, when monitored, many of the same brain areas were used when a pianist actually played a song or imagined she was playing. So, literally, fear is just in our heads. But, to me this is about visualizing success. Isn’t this why we do dress rehearsals? Isn’t this why we do walkthroughs or scrimmages prior to the actual game? Isn’t this why we visualize what success looks like, or feels like? I believe it was William Arthur Ward who told us, “If you can imagine it, you can achieve it. If you can dream it, you can become it.” Our aspirations are our invitations to set new goals, attempt new tasks, dare to travel uncharted courses. Let’s face our fears and visualize the success that is ours.
Restoring Hope
As kid that grew up in central Indiana and lived here all my life, it has not been until recent years that I’ve been able to watch the Indianapolis 500 live on television. As soon as the race started coverage went off. We could watch it replayed in the evening on the day of the race, but I never understood the thrill of that because I already knew who had won. But, for me, the Indy 500 has always marked the celebration of Memorial Day. The 500 has always done an incredible job of honoring those who made the ultimate sacrifice during the ceremonies prior to the race – these we have always been able to watch. Yesterday’s ceremonies were incredible and extended the honoring to our first responders, health care workers, and others who have worked so hard to keep us safe during the global pandemic. Yesterday, as I watched, I reflected on how we talk a lot about how the earth is shrinking and we are becoming a global society, and this is true, I believe, if you study history, we’ve always been very global minded. Communication has made it possible for easier global collaboration. Much of our sacrifice has been for not only protecting our own freedoms, but the freedoms of others around the world.
“We do not know one promise these men made, one pledge they gave, one word they spoke; but we do know they summed up and perfected, by one supreme act, the highest virtues of men and citizens. For love of country they accepted death, and thus resolved all doubts, and made immortal their patriotism and their virtue.”
James A. Garfield (1831–81), May 30, 1868 Arlington National Cemetery
While honoring those who made the supreme sacrifice for our country, we need to remember they made this supreme act in order for our country and the world to be a better place. Decoration Day, as it was called in the beginning, honored those who sacrificed and died in service to our country. Then, the day became widely observed on May 30, 1868 honoring the service of those who did in the American Civil War. General John A. Logan proclaimed the day to commemorate our fallen. James A. Garfield, who was a former Union General, Ohio Congressman, and future (20th) President of the United States addressed 5,000 people at Arlington National Cemetery. In 1873, New York became the first state to designate Memorial Day as a legal holiday. Then, in 1971, when Congress passed the Uniform Monday Holiday Act, Memorial Day was set on the last Monday of May.
We memorialize in order to preserve memories, events or people, and this allows us to remember and honor loved ones. This weekend and today on Memorial Day, we memorialize in many forms—ranging from ceremonies to gatherings to physical pieces of remembrance. On this Memorial day we need to be thinking about recovery and new life, especially in support of the service members who survived the atrocities of war but suffered from physical and psychological injuries long after it ended. It is my hope and prayer that we use this Memorial Day to re-center our thoughts to focus on all the freedoms “to” and “of” that the sacrifices we honor today were for. While some peace comes only with time, and the years blur and obliterate some the animosities that led to the horrific violence of our past, we must never forget. Additionally, we need to study our past and learn from what happened, the shortcomings and mistakes of former leaders, and continue to grow as a people who understand that our actions affect every other person in the world. Let us also use this Memorial Day as a call to restore hope in the midst of some of our most dire circumstances.
Byron's Babbles 
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