Learning Compassionate Accountability
Compassionate Accountability: How Leaders Build Connection and Get Results by Nate Regier
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
In the leadership development work I do, we talk about empathy not being enough. For empathy to work there must be action. That action is compassion. In this book we learn that compassion is a leadership skill we can learn and improve. Most importantly, we learn, “compassion without accountability gets you nowhere, and accountability without compassion gets you alienated.” This book gives us a plan for honing our skills in compassionate accountability.
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Nobody’s Looking
A phrase I heard recently, although I can’t remember where I heard it or who said it, reminded me that we often worry too much about what others are thinking; or that we perceive they are thinking. In general, people are primarily invested in their own experiences and struggles. Others are not watching or paying attention to what we are doing near to the extent we think they are. People are generally more focused on their own lives and concerns rather than constantly monitoring or critiquing others. The phrase I am referring to was, “Nobody’s looking at your gaps. Everybody’s in their own story.” If you think about it, this is really true. This implies people are generally focused on their own lives, challenges, and experiences.
I know it is difficult to take the attitude of not worrying what others think, but as the quote I have shared here suggests, not as many as we think are watching anyway – if anyone at all. Individuals tend to be more concerned with their own flaws and struggles rather than constantly scrutinizing others for their weaknesses or shortcomings. The quote highlights the importance of not dwelling on your perceived faults or worrying about how others perceive you, as everyone is preoccupied with their own personal narratives and issues. As my dad used to say, “Their opinion of me isn’t any of my business.” There you have it from the wisest person I’ve ever known.
Knowing The Difference
I had the opportunity to watch an episode of The Virginian (1968, Season 7, Episode 182) recently. Trampas (Doug McClure) made a comment that really stuck with me. He said, “We need to improve the bad things, leave the good things alone, and know the difference between the two.” With so many things changing around us, I believe we sometimes forget that change for the sake of change can take away some of the great things we already enjoy. I do recognize how difficult it is at times to find the balance of promoting growth and progress while also appreciating and valuing the strengths and positives already present. Finding the right balance between change and preservation ensures a holistic approach that leads to sustainable and positive outcomes.
To “improve the bad things, leave the good things alone, and know the difference between the two” means we need to recognize and address the aspects of a situation or problem that are negative or need improvement, while appreciating and maintaining the positive aspects that are already working well. It emphasizes the importance of discerning between the two and making informed decisions on what to change and what to preserve. It is essential to recognize and appreciate the strengths and positives already present, as they serve as a foundation for progress and can provide motivation and inspiration.
Imaginative Versus Imaginary
In C.S. Lewis: A Life: Eccentric Genius, Reluctant Profit, by Alister E. McGrath, we are told that C.S. Lewis believed “imaginative” and “imaginary” are two very different things. Imaginative relates to the creative capacity of a person, while imaginary pertains to things that are fictional or nonexistent in reality. There really is a difference and the two terms deserve to be considered.
Imaginative refers to someone’s ability or tendency to imagine, create, or come up with new ideas, concepts, or images. It is often associated with creativity, originality, and the ability to think outside the box. For example, a person with an imaginative mind may be able to envision new possibilities or solutions to problems.
On the other hand, imaginary refers to something that exists only in the imagination or fantasy, and not in reality. It describes things that are not real or tangible, but are created or perceived in the mind. As examples, imaginary friends, creatures, or places are figments of the imagination and do not exist in the physical world.
Eternally Out Of Date
I am loving reading the great book, C.S. Lewis: A Life: Eccentric Genius, Reluctant Profit by Alister E. McGrath. In the book, he gives context to C.S. Lewis’ saying, “All that is not eternal is eternally out of date.” Lewis was expressing the idea that things that are not timeless or everlasting in nature eventually become obsolete or irrelevant. In other words, anything that does not have eternal value or significance will eventually fade away and lose its relevance in the grand scheme of things. I believe we must live in the present with a view toward the eternal. By viewing life this way it completely flips our priorities. Life becomes less about instant gratification and more about purpose and significance.
While it appears that Lewis believed that true wisdom and meaning could only be found in eternal truths and principles that transcend time and temporal concerns, I also believe that he was referring to being open to changes in the non-eternal. His own life took many twists and turns – even his own conversation from atheism to believing in Christ. Lewis had a deliberate intellectual strategy of open-mindedness. It has been said that Lewis had a passion for people and arguments. He could separate the person from the person’s opinion – not easy to do. Remember, if it’s not eternal it is eternally out of date! Lewis was not always this way and recognized he had to develop this ability to hear and seek to understand others’ opinions in himself. Others’ perspectives help supplement, iterate, and sometimes even change our own. Lewis understood this in both his personal and professional life, and provides an example for us to follow.
Dreaming Of Being Truly Useful
I finished the Audible Original Wild Swan: A Story of Florence Nightingale by Patti Callahan Henry, this afternoon. This incredible historical novel about Florence Nightingale really inspired me to reflect on a question I posed in my mind: What if Florence Nightingale had not chosen to give up her life of advantage for one of service? Her legacy as a compassionate caregiver, an advocate for evidence-based practice, and a selfless servant really struck me while reading this story. In the story, Florence Nightingale told her parents, “I dream of being truly useful.” That’s quite a giant leap to finding one’s purpose. Nightingale’s commitment to service over personal gain is a valuable lesson for everyone. She selflessly devoted her life to caring for others, even in the face of opposition and societal expectations. Her selflessness and dedication continue to inspire people to prioritize service to others and make a positive impact on society.
Had Florence Nightingale not dreamt of being truly useful, the world may have missed out on her incredible contributions to nursing and healthcare. She played a significant role in revolutionizing the profession and advocating for better healthcare practices. Without her influence, it’s possible that the field of nursing would not have progressed as much as it has today. Additionally, Nightingale’s dedication to helping others and her work during the Crimean War saved countless lives and improved conditions for soldiers. Her decision to prioritize service over personal advantage had a profound impact on both individuals and society as a whole.
I loved how Patti Callahan Henry wove Nightingale’s obsession with and careful practice of statistical analysis. Her evidence-based practice and the importance of data in healthcare was ahead of its time. She collected and analyzed data to advocate for better sanitation practices, leading to a significant reduction in mortality rates. Nightingale’s emphasis on evidence-based practice is still relevant today and has had a lasting impact on the field of healthcare. Florence Nightingale took the advantage she had been given and used it to give back and be of service to the world.
Belonging To Yourself
Isn’t it funny how something can happen that relates directly to something we are reading at the same time? This happened to me this week. A person in a training/development I was facilitating this week shared that she was reconnecting with herself and establishing a sense of self-ownership. Seeking our true identity is a process of self-discovery and self-awareness. It involves delving deep into ourself to understand our core values, beliefs, strengths, and weaknesses. By understanding who we truly are, we can make informed decisions aligned with our authentic selves, leading to a greater sense of personal autonomy and control.
Then, this morning, as I was listening to the Audible Original Wild Swan: A Story of Florence Nightingale by Patti Callahan Henry, this same idea of self-discovery came up again. In the story, Florence Nightingale said, “I belonged to myself.” This really jumped out at me. To me, saying “I belonged to myself” means that one recognizes and asserts their autonomy and ownership over themselves. It suggests a strong sense of self-identity and the belief that one has the right to make decisions and choices for themselves, without external control or influence. It signifies a state of independence and self-possession, where one feels empowered and in control of their own life and destiny.
In the story, Nightingale believes her purpose goes beyond the Victorian societal expectations a daughter of an affluent family had at the time. In the story Nightingale said, “I’m hoping to come into possession of myself.” This, to me, suggested that she felt disconnected or lost in some way and was seeking a sense of self-ownership and control. We all need to find our true identity, establish our own core values and beliefs, or regain control over our life and actions. Essentially, it indicates a desire to discover and assert our individuality and personal autonomy. Sometimes we need to reinvent ourselves.
By seeking her true identity in the story, Nightingale allowed herself to establish healthy boundaries and assert herself in relationships and interactions. She truly came into possession of herself. When we are aware of our values, needs, and boundaries, we can communicate them effectively, set limits, and make decisions that prioritize our well-being. This empowerment contributes to a sense of control over our own lives, as we are no longer passive recipients of external circumstances but active participants who shape our own destiny. We too, like Nightingale, can have an extraordinary life of significance.
Don’t Miss A Voice
As leaders, it is important for us to ask “Who’s voice is missing?” because diverse perspectives are crucial for making informed decisions and creating inclusive environments. This question helps to eliminate “group think” and takes aim at the echo chamber. We desperately need diversity of thought, which is more important than ever, given the information silos many people live in today. Seeking the opinions and experiences of individuals who may be underrepresented or marginalized is also crucial. By doing this we can avoid overlooking important insights and ensure that everyone’s needs and concerns are taken into account.
Furthermore, including a variety of voices in decision-making processes can lead to more innovative and effective solutions. Different perspectives bring different knowledge, skills, and experiences to the table, which can lead to more creative problem-solving and better outcomes.
Additionally, asking “Who’s voice is missing?” demonstrates a commitment to equity and fairness. It shows that we value and respect the input of all individuals, regardless of their background or position. It also fosters a sense of belonging and inclusion, as people feel heard and valued when their voices are considered.
I always tell those in my leadership development programs to ask, “Who’s voice is missing?” By doing this and making sure every stakeholder is present in the development of new initiatives and change, leaders can promote diversity, inclusion, innovation, and fairness within their organizations and communities. This also eliminates the need to worry about getting buy-in on the back end. As I always say, if we say on the back end that we have to get buy-in, we have already failed. Include everyone on the front end. Are you missing any voices?
Unofficial Teachers
Alister E. McGrath spoke of one of C.S. Lewis’ friend and mentors as having been one of the best unofficial teachers Lewis ever had in, C.S. Lewis: A Life: Eccentric Genius, Reluctant Profit. I love the title given to this friend and mentor of “unofficial teacher.” We have all had them. We need the wisest and best of unofficial teachers because they offer unique perspectives and knowledge that can greatly benefit individuals and society as a whole. Unofficial teachers often possess specialized expertise in specific fields or areas of interest, and they may have a deep understanding of topics that may not be covered in traditional educational settings.
These unofficial teachers can provide alternative viewpoints, challenge conventional wisdom, and offer innovative solutions to problems. They may have practical experience or real-world insights that can supplement formal education and provide valuable lessons.
Additionally, unofficial teachers can play a vital role in mentorship and personal growth. They may offer guidance, support, and inspiration to help individuals navigate their careers, develop important skills, and overcome challenges. The insights of an unofficial teacher can foster intellectual curiosity, critical thinking, and creativity in learners.
Therefore, seeking guidance from the wisest and best unofficial teachers can expand our knowledge, broaden our perspectives, and help us become well-rounded individuals capable of making meaningful contributions to society.
Leading Distant From Center
I am continuing my study of C.S. Lewis by reading the great biography, C.S. Lewis: A Life: Eccentric Genius, Reluctant Profit by Alister E. McGrath. Already, I am taking lots of notes and finding tidbits for further study and reflection. McGrath’s research and approach is amazing. One description that McGrath gave of Lewis was him being “distant from the center, working at the margins.” As a person that has sometimes been described as operating distant from center this really resonated with me. It is amazing to be learning Lewis’ challenges with this and how he used this to his advantage to be significant, even in the 60 years since his death. By the way; Lewis died the year I was born and on the same day John F. Kennedy was assassinated – 1963.
When someone is said to be “distant from the center, working at the margins,” it means that they are not part of the mainstream or core group. They may be on the outskirts or periphery, working on less prominent or influential tasks or projects. This phrase often implies that the person is not directly involved in decision-making or holding a position of high authority or influence within an organization or community.
A person who is “distant from the center, working at the margins” are significant to society in several ways. First, they may have unique perspectives and ideas that can contribute to problem-solving and innovation. Their distance from the center may provide them with a different viewpoint or allow them to see opportunities that others may overlook. I certainly believe this was the case with C.S. Lewis.
Additionally, these distant from the center individuals are able to focus on specific tasks or projects that are crucial but less visible to those in decision-making roles. As leaders, we need to make sure we are empowering all those we serve to excel in their area of expertise, so they can make a meaningful impact and support the overall goals of the organization or community.
Furthermore, individuals working at the margins often have a deep understanding of the challenges and needs of those who are more directly affected by certain issues. Their proximity to these marginalized communities or areas can enable them to advocate for change and champion initiatives that benefit the underrepresented. I definitely believe this was the case with Lewis and why he was such a sought-after speaker. It is also interesting to me how many wrote to him – and he responded.
Ultimately, being distant from the center does not diminish the significance of a person’s contributions. It merely highlights their unique role and the potential they have to create positive change, even if it is not in a position of high authority or influence. Thank goodness there are those of us who are “distant from the center, working at the margins.”
Next, I want to explore some strategies that individuals at the center can employ to ensure they are not overlooking the valuable perspectives and ideas of those working at the margins. Also, I want to reflect on how individuals who are distant from the center effectively communicate their ideas and contributions to those at the center. Any thoughts?
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