Belonging Versus Fitting In
On Monday of this week I had the opportunity to work with a group of very astute fourth graders. We were discussing what it was like to be a leader as a fourth grader. One of the students said, “There’s a difference between fitting in and belonging. When you’re belonging, you’re feeling like yourself and when you’re fitting in, you might not really be yourself.” I loved this because it is so true. The main difference between belonging and fitting in lies in authenticity and acceptance.
Belonging is about feeling accepted for who we truly are. It means we’re valued and included because of our authentic self—our personality, values, and unique qualities. When we experience belonging, we feel comfortable being ourselves and can develop genuine relationships. I was excited that the students realized this is the kind of environment we must strive to create. We all have a need to belong and we all have an obligation to lead by creating an ethos of belonging.
Fitting in, on the other hand, often involves changing or adjusting ourselves to meet others’ expectations. It’s about conforming to certain norms or standards to be accepted, which might mean hiding parts of yourself or sacrificing your individuality. I always wonder, who created all these social norms we think we need to conform to.
I am proud of these fourth graders for reminding us that creating environments that foster belonging helps us grow, build trust, and form meaningful connections. Conversely, emphasizing fitting in can lead to pressure to conform, which may prevent others from expressing their true selves.
Needed Therefore Belonging
I am a huge believer in “belonging.” Whether it is students in our schools or adults in our organizations, everyone needs to belong. This “belonging” is central to our engagement. When we believe that our presence and contributions matter, we feel more connected to our community—be it a classroom or a broader social environment. This sense of connection fosters trust, safety, and acceptance, making us, whether a student or adult, more comfortable to express themselves and participate actively. As a result, we develop a stronger sense of belonging, which enhances their confidence, motivation, and overall well-being. In essence, when we feel needed and appreciated, we are more likely to feel that we truly belong, supporting our growth and success.
Also, let’s not forget that along with love, belonging is on Maslow’s five tier hierarchy model of human needs. While we used to think of this hierarchy more linearly than we now know it to be, Maslow showed love/belonging to be right after physiological and safety needs. We now know that we seek multiple needs simultaneously.
Yesterday at ExcelinEd’s National Summit on Education, Angela Duckworth told us that “Every student needs to be needed.” 🎤 I loved this and thought it was a drop the mic moment. Angela Duckworth meant that every student should feel valued and important—that their presence and contributions matter. When students feel needed, it boosts their confidence, motivation, and sense of belonging, which are essential for their growth and success. She emphasized the importance of fostering environments where students recognize their importance to others, helping them develop resilience and a positive sense of self.
As leaders, let’s make sure everyone belongs!
Belonging
‘Belonging’ is something I’ve been contemplating a lot lately. And, tradition has a lot to do with belonging. In fact this past week the WD-40 Company posted on LinkedIn: “92% of tribe members recently shared that as a part of WD-40 Company, they strongly experience a sense of belonging. Now that’s something to be proud of! Want to join us? Visit our careers page today!” I commented, “Belonging is such an important part of a community. Thanks, WD-40 Company, for being a great role model and example of this for all of us!” Then this morning, Christmas Eve, my son Heath, reminded me how important traditions are to belonging. Today is also Heath’s birthday and he wanted to make sure we went out and fed the cattle together because we always do that together on his birthday. He had also secured some Florida Ruby Red grapefruit because we always have them on Christmas Eve and Christmas mornings.
Having Heath reminding me of those traditions brought about great feelings of belonging. Traditions provide a sense of stability and help us connect with our roots. “Tradiare”, a Latin word meaning “to hand over, to transmit” is where tradition gets its roots. It is a practice or ritual that is passed down from generation to generation. Those traditions then become memories. So keep building belonging, traditions, and memories.
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